Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
