someone threw a dead crab at me
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
