turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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