The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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