His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
