i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
