Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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