She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
