if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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