Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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