just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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