Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
