So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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