I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
