i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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