So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
