I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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