My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They have beer where we have blood.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
