guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
