Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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