You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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