Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You may now shotgun with the bride
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Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.