Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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