Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Four minutes until I can fart!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
