the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
