He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
