I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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