During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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