He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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