No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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