fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
