either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
