so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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