Michael Bay diarrhea
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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