and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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