i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
