i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
