This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
