Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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