I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
