I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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