Umm I'm too high to move.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
