I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
