it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize