There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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