If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
