after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
