you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
