And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
