In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
