Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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