His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
