So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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