Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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