I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
